How to Raise Great Sons

“I want my son to grow into a fine young man that is respectful, honest, confident, hard working and is a strong leader,” she said. This is a common statement that I get a lot from mothers of sons.

As a martial arts instructor, I come in contact with a number of young children on a daily basis. Although we do get a few young women, the nature of karate tends to attract more boys than girls. I love this because I also happen to be a mother of two sons and have similar sentiments in raising fine young men.

Back to the mother who approached me. Her 9-year-old son was a handful. He had a disregard to authority (including Mom and Dad), he often was caught in a lie, he was rude and prone to disruptive behavior the second one turned their back. Basically, he was dishonest, undisciplined and untrustworthy.

I smiled. We had some work to do with this young man.

Here are some things that I wish every parent knew.

1. Children are not born naughty. Every child has their own temperament, some are more strong-willed than others for instance, but children are NOT born naughty. Just like they are not born good.
2. A child’s dominant behavior is a direct reflection of parenting skills. It doesn’t mean that if you are a great parent, they won’t screw up sometimes. It does mean that if your child is always getting into trouble and you have heard from one or more adult on something “little Johnny” did, that YOU are responsible and need to correct the behavior immediately. (More on how to do this later.)
3. Children are programmed by their parents. How you act, react and speak is absorbed by your children. Your beliefs, your opinions, what you spend your time on, what makes you laugh and what makes you angry are all being absorbed. They are sponges and pick up on your actions quicker than words. They will model you and take on many of your traits because at an early age they want to please you and be like you. Your worst habits and your best will all be taken in like a computer being programmed. Program your children wisely.
4. The most important thing you can give to your child is your time. Not toys, not phones, tablets or video games, not money and not entertainment. Children need your time, preferably daily, of your undivided attention. By undivided, that means to turn off the TV, computer, gaming devices and put down your mobile phone. It means not always taking your work with you and saying something like, “I’m too busy right now, we will play later.” Your most important work is raising your child into a fine adult. Block it off on your calendar if you have to, but you MUST set aside a minimum of 15 minutes per day for your child. Talk to them. Ask them questions. Sit down for a meal together without ANY electronics going or blaring in the background. If you don’t have a clue what to talk about, compliment them on what you like about them or tell them a story about something from your past.

Back to this young boy that had some poor programming. I watched how his parents were with him. There were two main things that stuck out to me as to why their son was poorly behaving…

Lack of Time and Boundaries

1. Lack of Time: Both of his parents worked jobs that had long hours and left very little time to spend with their son. They had a nanny that took their child to and from school, from one activity to another and even tucked the boy in at night most evenings. The nanny was a nice lady, but not a parent. She had the personality of a sweet caregiver with lots of patience for the boy’s misbehaving ways. Basically, this young boy was starved for his parents’ attention and time. His behavior was a direct reflection of his frustration.
2. Lack of Boundaries: When his parents weren’t working, what little time they had with their son was spent on entertainment for the family, buying games and new toys. When he misbehaved in their presence, boundaries were non-existent and definitely not enforced. For example… little Johnny throws a temper tantrum in the store because he wants a toy. Rather than the parents removing him from the store to set a boundary that tantrums don’t earn him a toy, they told him to stop crying and they’d buy him whatever toy he wanted. This enforced in the boy that poor behavior earns him a reward.

How to correct poor behavior

1. Set escalating consequences for poor behavior and stick to them. Write them down if you need to, but you MUST stick to the consequence no matter how painful it is to you. For example, if you say, “We do not use violence in this household. If you hit someone you will sit in time out for 15 minutes and lose access to your favorite toy for 1 day. You will then apologize to the person you hit.” As a parent, you MUST follow through on this if it happens. No exceptions. If it happens again, you escalate the punishment. For example, bump up the “time out” to 30 minutes and lose the favorite toy for two days. If it happens a third time, the toy gets taken for a week (or given away to charity), the “time out” increases to an hour and the child must help with an age appropriate but unsavory chore. Without strict consequences that are enforced as stated, the child will begin to believe they can get out of things and an intelligent child will seek ways to manipulate you into reducing or eliminating their punishment.
2. Set rewards for good behavior and stick to them. A great way to do this is to make a short list of things that you’d like to see your child do. Then, talk to your child about them and what positive thing will happen when they accomplish those good actions and decisions. For example, lets say that little Johnny has been getting in trouble in school for misbehavior such as back-talking, pushing other students and not following instructions. You might say to little Johnny, “I believe you can make good choices at school. I know you can show kindness to other kids and listen politely to your teacher. I have a game for you that I think you’ll like.” Then say, “Here’s the game: Make good choices for one day (one week, ect.) without me getting a call from your teacher. You will win: One hour of my time with you to play that game you like.”

You might ask your child for ideas for what they would like as a reward for good behavior. You’ll need a list of small rewards and big rewards that are suited to your lifestyle, age of your child and budget. Here are just a few ideas to get you started.

Small rewards for small achievements

1. Play a board or video game with them, with your phone turned off and no distractions.
2. Let them choose what’s for supper or make them their favorite meal.
3. Go to the park or a favorite hangout with them.
4. Bring a great lunch and eat with them at school.
5. Go for a bike ride together.
6. Allow a friend to spend the night or them to spend the night at a friend’s house.
7. Have a movie night at the house or at the theater and let them pick the age-appropriate movie.
8. Have a Nerf dart gun, water gun or water balloon war with them.
9. Take them out for ice cream or a favorite treat.
10. Play catch in the yard or park with them.
11. Do an art project with them.
12. Make them their favorite dessert.
13. Check out or buy them that book that they like.
14. Give them a “free coupon” to not have to clean their room, skip out on a chore, veto a meal they don’t like or choose an activity to do together.

Big rewards for big achievements

1. Take them on an overnight camping trip
2. Spend the night at a hotel together (with a pool and room service!)
3. Have A day at the beach or lake
4. Dinner out at their favorite restaurant
5. A day at the zoo
6. Take them to a trampoline park or bounce house center near you
7. Attend an amusement park
8. Purchase a favorite video game
9. Purchase a toy they’ve been wanting
10. Buy all the supplies and do an art project together OR attend a one-day arts & crafts class
11. Let them sign up for that sport they’ve always wanted to do: karate, soccer, football, basketball, baseball, dance, etc.
12. Build something together. A small wood project or if more ambitious, a fort or tree house!
13. Take them to an indoor water park
14. Take them on an adventure… go-kart track, hiking trip, escape room, children’s museum, boat, canoe or kayak ride, fishing trip, etc.

Obviously, depending on your budget and your child’s interests, some of these ideas may be out of the question. However, hopefully it gets your ideas flowing on some things that might inspire your child to make great choices.

At the time of writing this blog post, my own sons, Ty and Jack, are age 13 and 10 respectively. I am not a perfect parent. There is no such thing. However, both of my sons are polite, confident, well-behaved (most of the time), honest, considerate, friendly, respectful and capable young men.

They definitely know their boundaries and consequences if they choose to make poor choices. They also know that when they make good choices they earn positive rewards, such as camping trips, dinner out and crazy-fun game nights with their Mom and Dad.

My sons understand that electronics such as mobile phones and tablets, fancy toys and entertainment events are privileges not necessities. Chores are expected to be completed and their behavior is expected to be respectful. Otherwise, no privileges.

Most of all, when I or my husband exhibits poor behavior or messes up in our parenting, we use it as a teachable moment.

What about that time I yelled and said a few inappropriate words to my oldest for something that I thought he did… but later found out he didn’t?

When I learned the truth, I calmed down, went into his room and apologized. I told him I messed up and hoped he would forgive me. (He did.) As parents, we mess up as well. More than we’d like to admit sometimes. We can and do learn from our mistakes and seek ways to improve our parenting skills. Teaching your children how to apologize and how to move on with an intention to make improvements is a good lesson.

As for little Johnny and his parents, I worked with his parents and shared some tips on how they could improve his behavior at home by setting boundaries and making sure they are spending more quality time with him. We also agreed to work together so he has consistent rewards and consequences in our karate school.

When he makes good choices he gets to do things he enjoys in our class such as leading exercises, choosing the end-of-class game or just receiving more of my attention in teaching him new skills.

When he makes poor choices he loses privileges and has consequences. He must do push-ups when he makes snarky remarks, if he is rude to others he is moved to a place in the dojo (Karate training space) where he has to work on techniques by himself. If is consistently making poor choices, we have an agreement with his parents for him to clean the floors, dust the room and wipe down the windows. Little by little, he is becoming more respectful and well-behaved.

I leave you with this…

RULES FOR SONS

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.
2. Look people in the eye when they speak or you are speaking to them.
3. Learn to cook. It’s a life skill that everyone should be able to do.
4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.
5. Read daily. Education is a lifetime endeavor.
6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
7. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.
8. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.
9. Play with passion or not at all… and always show good sportsmanship.
10. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look them in the eye.
11. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
12. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.
13. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her.
14. Marry the girl, you marry her family. Make sure you like them.
15. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath.
16. Experience the serenity of traveling alone.
17. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room.
18. Never turn down a breath mint.
19. A sport coat is worth 1000 words.
20. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.
21. Thank a veteran. Then make it up to him.
22. Eat lunch with the new kid.
23. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it.
24. Ask your mom to play. She won’t let you win.
25. Manners maketh the man.
26. Give credit. Take the blame.
27. Stand up to Bullies. Protect those bullied.
28. Write down your dreams.
29. Always protect your siblings, women, children and your teammates.
30. Be confident and humble at the same time.
31. Call and visit your parents often. They miss you.
32. The healthiest relationships are those where you’re a team; where you respect, protect, and stand up for each other.

If you have additional parenting tips or comments please submit them below. Thanks, as always, for being a loyal reader.