This one thing applies to parenting, teaching, marriage, animals and all of life’s circumstances. It’s a philosophy that spans the ages.
“Look for the bad, you’ll find the bad.
Look for the good, you’ll find the good.
Either way, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
Even in the midst of chaos or tragedy, there is always a silver lining. If you look hard enough you’ll find it.
I started thinking about this recently and how it applies to my own family. I’ve noticed, that if I’m having a “bad” day or week it truly boils down to my attitude. Am I focused on the bad in my children, in my spouse, in myself? When I do, it seems to manifest itself into more and more things that irritate, anger me or creates stress in my life.
Parenting
This is especially true as a parent. I have the fortune of having a teenage son. Teenagers in general can be seen as challenging. They’ve reached a point in their life where they think they know everything and that parents are wrong. As a parent, we often want to control our children and direct their lives towards a more positive outcome. Seems logical, right?
However, teenagers sometimes lack logic and due to the fact that they know everything, a parents instructions are ignored. Communication breaks down. The parent shouts nagging orders like “Don’t do that! Take the garbage out! Clean your room! Do your homework!” The teen, if they respond at all, responds in grunts. In focusing on the negative behaviors that you don’t want, more negative behaviors occur.
Let the frustration begin.
However, this can be turned around by focusing on the positive things that my teen is doing. Instead of expressing my displeasure at the pig pen that has become his room, I choose a different plan.
I knock on the door. I stick my head in and say, “I wanted you to know I love you. I’m glad you are my son. I hope you had a great day.” Then I walk out.
A few minutes later he comes out of his room to get food. (Because that consumes most of a teenage boys day.) He sees me in the kitchen and with a confused look says, “Was there something else you wanted?”
I say, “No. I just wanted to thank you for taking the garbage out yesterday. I appreciate your help.” (I leave out the bit that I had to nag him multiple times to get him to do so.)
He unwraps a cheese stick and throws the wrapper in the trash can that is now full again. He looks at it. He looks at me. I smile.
He then does something miraculous. He asks, “Would you like me to take the trash out?”
“How thoughtful of you! Yes, I would really appreciate that. Thank you.”
Magic.
Little by little, I try to catch my children doing something good. I try my best not to nag them when they do something wrong. Rather, I simply correct them and ask them what would be a better decision. Then I focus on something they have done well or something I admire about them. The more I focus on the good, they more they do good things.
Relationships
Spouses work the same way. Yes, there will always be things they do that bugs you. However, if you focus on those and worse, nag them on it, they will resent you. Furthermore, your constant attention to the things you don’t like or want will make it easier for you to see even more of those things. It’s a negative spiral that will quickly turn a loving relationship into one of bickering, bitterness and stress.
To turn things around, stop mentioning the things they do that bug you. Instead, look for things that that you like about them. Then compliment them at least once a day on that.
Create a habit of giving sincere compliments daily. Here are some examples.
“I appreciate you making the coffee for us in the morning. It’s so nice of you to do that for us.”
“Thank you for filling the car up with fuel when you went out. It made my day go so much more smoothly today. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.”
“That meal you made last night was really good! Please add it to the rotation. It was nice coming home to such a delicious a hot meal.”
“I really like what you said about ____________ the other night. It made me realize how much I love you and appreciate you in my life.”
“It was great that you spent time with the boys on their homework. You really are a wonderful Dad to our sons.”
Obviously, these are just a few examples that may or may not apply to your situation. Hopefully, it gives you some ideas on how to focus on the good.
If you aren’t in the habit of speaking in this way, it may seem unnatural when you speak such positive words. You may even get some funny looks from your spouse.
Don’t let that stop you. You might soften the shock of this new positive language by saying something like, “I’ve recently noticed my negligence in acknowledging all the good things you say and do in our life. I’d like to start turning that around.” Then step back and smile.
Good things are bound to happen!
Self Love
Self love is one of the areas that can be difficult to focus on. Often it is easier to focus on others rather than our selves. I feel this is because most of us are taught at a young age to not be selfish or conceited. But self love isn’t selfish or conceited, it’s actually healthy!
Over importance of ones self is different. That is conceit. If you take it a step further and believe you are more important or deserving than others, that’s selfishness.
Self love means focusing on the positive aspects of your personality and life. Do this by minimizing the negative self talk that you say to yourself. Think about the good things that you are grateful for in your life. Take time to say a minimum of ten things that you are grateful for in your life each day. It really will help improve your day!
For some of us there might be a negative memory that keeps playing out in your head of something hurtful that someone said or a sad event that happened to you. When that happens, catch yourself and say, “Cancel that thought!” Choose a different, more positive thought.
You’ll find the more often you do this, the more things seem to improve in your life. Our thoughts really do transform the way our life plays out.
Choose to look for the good in your life and in the lives of others. You’ll find that the more you do this the better your life will become. It truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Vashon (The TUFF Momma)